Baby time

Our third daughter, still with no name, arrived on the night between saturday and sunday, april 11, at 2:40. The house is full of baby bliss and baby love, and some children freak outs too.

The birth was all I could hope for. When I was thinking about giving birth this time, my hope was to go through it with no fear. I had a strong experience of fear with the two previous births - the first one was full of panic even, it wasn't planned to be a home birth but happened too quick to get to hospital; the second was wonderful but still there was an element of suffering and fear towards the end. I think there's a difference between experiencing pain and suffering. Sure, births are painful. but this last time I succeeded in going through the pain with courage and joy and with no suffering. and it makes me very proud.

At the last phase I could feel my body tear apart almost, and the strong strong pressure and pain, and at the same time I could see it as a big pipe full of light, opening up for her to pass through. so I could call it "open" rather than "tear". and I had in my head the words of my friend Karmit, about how not only the body needs to open up but the soul too to let a baby come. and in my ears the words of my wonderful midwife: "just give it space, lots of space. You don't have to do anything, it is happening to you". and for the first time I could let my body push without stopping or pressing actively. I stuck with the beautiful harmonies that me and my support team (Ori, Michal the midwife, and Inbar who came to be and help) created with our low sounds, rather than shout - as I did both times before. I invited the baby to come out (and they all with me: come out, come out..) and out she came. I keep coming back in my mind to this moment of deconstruction and creation when a baby slips out of my body, such an ultimate moment of life, and I'm surprised to find myself willing to do it again, right now... (but I do think 3 is enough for me...)

She's so sweet, relaxed and peaceful, and we all adore her.

And I was thinking, it would be good if I could take this as a sort of a lesson in letting go of fear and control. I wish I'll be able to let things happen in their own pace and time, to wait and listen and mostly have faith. at least sometimes.

*this post was written under the influence of birth hormones :-)